On Non-Apologies

Nervous, oh so very nervous
Agitated and unrehearsed
I made considerable effort
To remain intelligible and coherent

You have my undivided attention
Well, any attention I have control over
I’m not devious, nor calculating
Yet here I am insanely over-analysing

I, as always, had set out to impress you
Made every effort, pulled all the stops
Yet you remain unmoved, unimpressed
My childish antics have made no dents

You smile, you tease, you disagree
Becoming self conscious, a tad angry at me
Take a number and join the club
I’ve never been more disappointed internally

Flawed is my existence, I agree, no contest
Endearingly, you tell me you love me
I hear your words yet fail to register
My twisted mind refusing to believe

If in my own head I have failed
Does it matter if in your eyes I succeed?
I covet a different sentiment
Perhaps some day you’ll be “proud of me”

You love me. No. You love the potential
That only you and I seem to see
It is ok. I’m in love with the idea of you too
A perfect unique immortal divine existence

Please don’t disagree. I don’t take it well.
Disappointment.. critique.. even praise.
Above all else, desecration of idols.
I won’t have it… I can’t handle it.. Please?

Wondering if we’ve reached that part of the story.
Where you give up.. or I inadvertently mess up
Historically, at the end, I’ve always been sorry

So consider this my public non-apology
Consider this.. a promise from me to me
To possibly earn that which I so aggressively seek.

Perhaps then.. I’ll believe it when I hear it.

August 2009


2 thoughts on “On Non-Apologies

  1. I love this
    and i can totally relate :/

    “I’m not devious, nor calculating
    Yet here I am insanely over-analysing”

    Keep it up 😀

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