On Mazen’s & Sawsan’s

Are you ok?
What happened?
It is over.
Would you like to talk about it?
I’m really quite fine but ok.

I got tired of trying to be his. I love him. I honestly tried. I tried to become the woman he wanted me to be, but I just can’t anymore. It is too difficult.

He’s been wanting to change you from day one?
Yeah, more or less. Don’t smoke, don’t smoke this particular way, lose weight, wear this, don’t wear that, drive this way etc..

Yet he loves you?

Hmm, not technically, he loves HIS YOU, a version of you that doesn’t exist which only he seems to see or recognize. Then he’s been trying to change you, fix you, tweak you into becoming her.
Exactly !! I from day one have been telling him that I’d love to meet her, this “Sawsan” which he loves, which I never am.

That makes sense. Your problem as a couple is not a mere difference in tempo. Nor is it a case of great expectations. You’re both in love with versions of each other that don’t exist. So madly in love with the fantasy that you simply refuse to let go. Why settle for you when he believes that with a little effort he can get you to become “Sawsan”.

You too are equally guilty, you’re not in love with him, you’re in love with “Mazen”; a version of him that he never was, a loving supporting version who loves you unconditionally, who isn’t trying to change you. When the fantasy is so close that you can taste it. When the change is so minimal you believe you are capable of bringing it about. You are both lost. Your love dead. You are both locked in a battle of wills each attempting the futile and the impossible.

You know what the saddest part is?
Even if you were to succeed and you became Sawsan, making him a perfectly content Mazen.. the love would have been all gone.. for Sawsan and Mazen are in love with two brand new fantasies.


7 thoughts on “On Mazen’s & Sawsan’s

  1. I’ve always wondered, does knowing this make us better at relationships?

    Does love being inexplicable a hard thing for knowledge to fix? for us?

    Because I think, for us Egyptians .. it kinda is. We’re never ready to share our lives with the beloved, even if we knew how to deal with them and make them happy.

    ‘Knowing’ and ‘doing’ and their eternal spar if you ask me!

  2. Marooned: What I’m trying to get, is why bother with existing partner.. why not go looking for the elusive Mazen or Sawsan from the beginning?

    ibhog: Perhaps it does, I honestly don’t know. I’ve yet to see anyone who’s actually good at relationships!

  3. @ibhog el beeh israeli walla eeh :D? leeh ya 3am el stereotyping dah? valid en yb2a fe kalakee3 we valid en yb2a fe nas 2ananeya bas mesh dah el factory setting !!!!!!!

  4. @Juka
    Me too.

    Sorry to have generalized, but I find the fact that I witnessed a dozen of crappy marriages at close very urging for me to think that negatively, but then again .. Israeli? seriously? 🙂

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