I have of late been in the habit of issuing an electronic newsletter to friends and acquaintences. It, more often than not, included a cynical definition ridiculing my life and all of theirs.
By popular request; the definitions consolidated. Enjoy 🙂
Education: A method invented by the state in order to give parents a place to put their kids while they are at work. Not to be confused with “learning” cause this does not guarentee the latter, quite the contrary, education may lead to the reduction of your child’s IQ and will most definately not prepare him or her for the challenges of the corporate world.
Finals: Best possible cure for writers block. Compared to the notes and textbook, reading and writing anything automatically becomes appealling.
Exams: A form of torture necessitated by the fact that teachers don’t believe you understood any of the stuff they’ve been saying all semester. I was listening wallahy, save me the nervousness, crankiness and general “bite me” atitude.
Do3a Elwaldein: The glue that holds together our universe. Look around you, we live in a perpetual state of rabena satar. For every car accident that occurs, marvel at the vast number of potential accidents that don’t. Rabena yekhally ahally el gami3.
Appointment: Ballpark estimate of the neighbourhood of the timing at which the people you are meeting will leave their respective houses (not be at the designated location la kaddar allah).
Plans: Arranged outings/events made in coordination with friends and family that are pending cancellation till up to 5 minutes before the actual event on account of work or the fact en dool 3allem 3eyaaaal.
Quarter-life-crisis: A less famous and often ignored version of the mid-life crisis. It hits you around your 20s and carries with it a profound sense of confusion. Once you find your identity, or convince yourself that you have, you’ll be ok. Recommended treatment: A couple of kitkats and a yoga session and call me in the morning.
Conference: 3 meals served at a fancy hotel; interrupted by seated sessions in which time is wasted on introducing speakers, stating the obvious, taking a round of questions and never answering any of them.
MBA: Massive Brain Abuse. I did it to myself.. I did it to myself. Must keep reminding myself lest I go mad.
Family: The only constant in an ever changing world. They are what you have remaining when all else is gone.
T-Short: Term coined by my 3 year old cousin (Marwan) indicating an outfit consisting of a t-shirt and a short. Ingenious!
Home: Place where you spend your afternoons, feel comfortable, listen to music and chill with friends, aka MY CAR. No thanks to the 6 October bridge.
Group assignment: Listen up sport, you are about to do a truck load of work that requires an entire team to do and your forementioned partner is about to get all the credit.
3askary: Person appointed by the government to be a protector of pedestrians who instead becomes the verbal harraser.
Powerpoint presentation: Reduced from software used to “present” “points” on a wall in living colour to a form of word processing implying a larger font.
Cubicle: Modern form of torture invented by the corporate world involving staring at a wall for hours on end with your back to the centre of the room providing ample opportunity for circling knife throwers.